


omg they were quarantined

by Jdragon122, LunaStories



Series: Deadpool does Fandom [5]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Bussy Soup, Colonel Sanders - Freeform, Covid-19 Related, Crack, Deadpool is back!!, Heard about this thing called lock down fest, Hozier, Hurt/Comfort, I guess it could also be a, Joe Biden - Freeform, M/M, Magical Healing Cock, Oh and there is an instance of Spidey eating me, Sick Fic, Thomas the Tank Engine - Freeform, Times are rough so we had to use hand sanitizer as lube :(, barack Obama - Freeform, guess who the fuck is back????, hand sanitizer lube, here are some no context relevant tags to my beautiful fic, it happens!!, maid outfit, quarantine fic, rapunzel - Freeform, this is mostly sexy time porns, this is the good, we were in quarantine and we were hungry, well here I am contributing like a good little mercenary!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:27:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23356189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jdragon122/pseuds/Jdragon122, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaStories/pseuds/LunaStories
Summary: Spidey has a cold and Deadpool, being the sexy boyfriend he is, goes to take care of his baby boy. But they're under quarantine and oh no, there's no more lube? What should they do?
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Series: Deadpool does Fandom [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1125036
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21
Collections: Isn't it Bromantic?, Lock Down Fest





	omg they were quarantined

**Author's Note:**

> Yo deadman shippers it's been a spicy minute. Luna and Dragon ran away from where I was holding them captive (lovingly) but I wrangled them back into the basement. I had to promise them some employee benefits such as actual health insurance and the freedom to come and go before they would help me post. Who the hell does that shit??? Certainly not me or rich people I'll tell you that. Anyways, I'm still looking for my Spidey and with all the shit happening right now I'm so glad I can't die (haha just kidding I wish everyday I wasn't here but what's new). Enjoy and hey, maybe if you piss off your neighbors enough they'll TP your house with toilet paper ;) I heard that shit's gold rn, pun intended haha
> 
> Times are pretty fucking crazy right now, and I know that my writing is a *mwah* work of art and that some of you shippy fiends, you little sweet burritos would love some piece of this sexy deadman loving so this is for you sinners out there ~

Deadpool skipped, frilly outfit swaying around him like grass in a breeze as he frolicked to Spidey’s apartment (which they shared because they were BOYFRIENDS, lovers, sharing the peen, dӧinking the dӧink, hjӧnking the hjӧnk). His expensive versace louis vuitton unicorn purse (made of 100% naturally and humanely sourced unicorn skin) that Spidey had custom made for him swung on his arms. His baby boy spoiled him so well!! 

But that wasn’t the focus of today. Today, it was his turn to spoil his voluptuous spider. You see, due to the world going to shit, his honey bunches of oats had caught a cold (a normal cold which was much sexier than the corona beer virus, almost as sexy as Corona, Rapunzel’s golden kingdom). 

“Thotty boy, I’m home! And by the way we’re on quarantine now so I guess we’re stuck together permanently forever. The government said so, not me. This is exactly like marriage, we’re practically married.” 

Deadpool knocked on the front door before barging in, the entire door breaking off its hinges and flying across the room, crashing through the wall due to his immense strength because he was the strongest man ever, just so hefty and thiccc.

Anyways- 

He didn’t bother putting the door back up, or fixing the wall, the neighbors had already seen their scrumptious love making one too many times. And besides, Deadpool kinda liked them being watched, the voyeour instinct in him was ingrained probably due to the bird drones the government had posted everywhere always watching them. I’m talking to you FBI agent reading this, don’t worry I won’t judge you for what gets your rocks off ;)

“Deadpool.” 

Deadpool poked his head into the bedroom, perking up at the hoarse sound of his lush luscious lover calling his name like a siren to some pointy rocks, calling for him to crash into his plump buttocks. Poor Spidey looked absolutely horrid! His beautiful very generic face which Spidey has obviously shown him by now because he loved and trusted Deadpool stared up at him through teary orbs and puckered his luxurious lips (which he’s totally seen).

“Oh you wore the maid outfit! My favorite,” Spidey gushed, and Deadpool twirled around, letting Spidey look his fill as he waggled his orb-brows up and down lavisciously. 

“You can hjӧnk me down when you’re all better, Webs!” Deadpool whipped out his dick-

I mean, he whipped out a tray of soup and crackers, handmade with love (uwu) from under his skirt. 

“You made me soup as well? Deadpool I could kiss you for this.” 

“Then feel free to do so, baby boy. I am ripe for the taking, Maximum Primed and ready to transform-” 

His words were cut off when Spidey groaned, and though it made Deadpool’s schlong go ‘ping’, it was sadly a groan of pain. 

“Oh Spidey, eat this soup made with my blood, sweat, and probably some other bodily fluids and you’ll feel all better!” 

Deadpool twirled forward like a bootylicious ballerina, his asscheeks bouncing so hard they alerted the guards, which swung in from the door shaped hole in the wall. He landed with a bonk and looked strangely like Colonel Sanders. “Hey fellas everything alright here? Want to buy some of my chicken nuggets? They’re only a dollar.”

Deadpool stared at the Kentucky fried looking motherfucker, his dingle pinging even louder. He sniffed sadly as the guard looked at him with his sexy af outfit. “I’m sorry, I only have 69 cents, _heh_ ,” a single tear slid down his cheek, “I don’t have enough money for chicken nuggets.”

“Oh…” the guard looked down, disappointed, “I guess I’ll take my leave.” Then he yeeted himself out the window.

Deadpool was so distracted by the guard’s exit that it caused him to slip on the conveniently placed silk panty on the floor (one of his favorites, red lace with this soft blue edging. He ~~stole~~ borrowed it off one of his favorite strippers, Joe Biden, followed closely by his drag queen friend Mwister Obama) and he spilled the soup onto Spidey. His poor baby boy had sat up in order to take the soup, sweaty heaving chest with beautifully smooth skin all exposed, his moobies moving with his breathing in a hypnotic motion, so the soup landed on that nubile skin. 

Deadpool gasped, tears streaming down his face like Viagra Falls. He’d soiled his adorable spider (and not in the water sports way), Spidey was never going to want to dingle his pickle now! But lo and behold, Deadpool had an idea!

He stripped off his red shirt (probably from all the blood) sexily, swaying like a snake hypnotizing prey to distract Spidey from the scalding soup on his chest. Deadpool’s abs swayed in the wind with him, his baby boy’s spheres locked onto his tantalizing smooth form with no scars because Deadpool was an attractive motherfucker with skin like a baby.

While Spidey was distracted, he mopped up the soup on Spidey’s chest with his shirt, taking the opportunity to trail a hand down his Spidey’s perky nibbly nipples. He must’ve been too distracted by Spidey’s general aura of succulentness (probably like a Rosularia) because Spidey cursed when Deadpool’s drool dripped onto the spots he had just cleaned. 

“Oh Deadpool, your drool is all over me! Whatever shall we do?” Spidey sighed, arching his back and neck in a very sinuous way so as to show off all that strength that could shake and snap Deadpool like a glowstick. So fucking sexy. 

Deadpool cried, tears wetting his cheeks like how wet he’d been that one time Spidey carried him on his back and they swung through the city. Or how wet he was when he bled out after having the bottom half of his torso torn off. Both were very applicable to his current situation obviously. “Don’t worry Spidey, I have a solution!” Deadpool wouldn’t do his Spidey dirty like that, so he took off his blue shirt (from all the smurf blood) and flexed his abs, using that to distract his Spidey like morphine distracts from the horrors of life, like the inevitability of death or like the fact that his father never wanted him- 

Anyways, he ripped off his shirt with his bare hands because he’s strong and buff, and wiped down Spidey’s chest with it. He pulled out another tray of bussy soup from under his skirt, ready to feed Spidey. 

“Here comes the airplane!” Deadpool made zooming sounds and then a few machine gun sounds just for realism to make sure Spidey knew the airplane was being shot out of the sky to land in his mouth, but when Spidey opened his mouth like a little baby bird and Deadpool was the mama bird, it was so adorable that his asscheeks clenched.

The bussy soup spilled onto Spidey’s neck, and Deadpool cried, his tears falling down his face like a rain scene in a 90’s boyband music video. “Spidey, I'm dummy thicc and the clap of my asscheeks keeps making me spill this soup.” 

Deadpool pulled off his white shirt (probably from all the cum) to wipe up the soup but then he realized, this train of shirts would never end, just like his search for his beloved Spidey who still hasn’t called him, and the tears came back stronger than ever. 

  
“Deadpool, you know what you have to do,” Spidey intoned solemnly, his spheres bright with starlight and like, all the good shit in the world, probably powerpuff girl essence or something. 

Deadpool perked up, both his body and his mind (and his dinkle winkle). “You’re right Spidey, you’re covered in soup and we’re out of toilet paper due to some fucking hoarders-”

Deadpool took out his gun from under his skirt and shot it out the now destroyed window. Someone screamed. He hoped it was Ted from next door who had hoarded all the toilet paper from Ralphs. Fucking hoarders. 

“So I guess the ONLY solution is for me to clean you with my tongue!”

Spidey fluttered his orb-lashes like the elegant wings of a butterfly, a soft sigh falling out of him like boulders down a mountain. “Deadpool, your talented tongue can cleanse me of anything!” 

“Oh it sure will, baby boy.” 

Deadpool proceeded to acquaint himself with every inch of Spidey’s delicious body, his tongue drew a dick with a trail of saliva. One might question how much saliva Deadpool really had but when you’re near someone like Spidey 24/7 it’s a non-stop Thirst Town. 

Spidey moaned, his horny motor revving up and turning on from the stimulating tongue massage Deadpool was giving him, bathing his skin like a momma cat does to a kitten. 

“Deadpool, more…” 

And who was Deadpool to deny the call of his godly baby boy, the sheathe to his katana, the peel to his banana you get the picture (and it’s a very smexy picture). 

Deadpool reached over to the bedside table for the lube, but found that they had used it up because they bounced on each other’s dicks like bunnies in spring, like so much. “Baby boy, we’re out of lube, and we can’t go out to get it because we’re in quarantine.” Deadpool lamented, his peen already deflating like a balloon with a sad fart sound, from the lack of action in the near future. 

“Then it’s a good thing we have this,” Spidey sensually whispered as he slid a bottle of hand sanitizer out from under the pillow. The pump was still new and wrapped, beckoning to Deadpool like the holy grail, if the holy grail could get his dick wet. 

Deadpool paused. “Was that there this whole time? You were just sleeping on a bottle of hand sanitizer?” 

Spidey hissed and hugged the bottle to his chest, noticeable war flashbacks passing through his glowing orbs. “Those hoarders are feral.” 

“Ah,” Deadpool nodded in understanding as he grabbed the bottle and after removing the wrapping, pumped some into his hand. “Well then, I’m sure this will be the safest sex we’ve ever had,” Deadpool growled out like a puma prowling for pussy.

“After all,” He continued with a careless whisper and a saxophone solo, leaning in and trailing his hand sanitized fingers to Spidey’s bootyhole, ready to plunder that booty. “It’s doctor approved and kills 99.9% of all bacteria.”

His fingers entered the moistened tunnel like a train and plowed through to properly open up Spidey for his locomotive steam engine. Deadpool’s hose dripped in anticipation as Spidey laid on his back, beckoning to him as his cockadoodle springs up like a beacon. He couldn’t wait to rail him like the Little Engine That Could (though his train was by no means little).

“Choo choo, Big Boy coming through,” Deadpool moaned out as he held Spidey’s incredibly juicy flexible thighs up, so that he could get to those bouncy glutes. “My angle cock isn’t braking anytime soon, honey. Full steam ahead!”

The hand sanitizer lube helped slick the way for Deadpool’s massive Eiffel Tower and Spidey let out squeals of pain and pleasure that only Deadpool could pull out of him because Spidey loved him very much. “Oh Deadpool, I could feel your love burning inside of me - oh wait, that might just be the hand sanitizer. It may be doctor approved but I’m not sure it’s bussy approved.”

Deadpool hissed alongside his lover as he felt the sanitizer cleaning his monstrous membrane. “This feels just like when I won a competition to get the exclusive box set of the Golden Girls. Except I didn’t win, the rest of the losers just ‘mysteriously’ died.” 

“Did you kill them, Deadpool? Oh, how sexy of you!” Spidey groaned as he clawed at Deadpool’s back, the maid outfit bouncing cheerily along to every thrust. 

“Oh yes, I would kill anyone for you my thicccccc Thoticus, my slutty salsa, my dicky duck.”

“What a big, strong man you are Deadpool! I love you and your beautiful bazooka the size of the Chrysler Building.”

“My snickerdoodle is only ever wet for you,” Deadpool confessed like a sinner at church (The last time Hozier tried to take him to church, his daddy issues came rearing up). “And unicorns, and Thomas the Tank Engine, and basically a stiff wind. And everything else.” 

“That’s so sexy I think I’m going to cum all over your maid outfit!” 

“Yes, Spidey, cum for me!” 

Spidey let out the most adorable shout of pleasure as he arched his back and released his essence into the wind, blessing Deadpool with his holy water. Deadpool followed soon after and let the sexy times distract him from the impending sense of doom that was the state of their current health care system. After all, Weapon X didn’t have a dental plan with their health insurance. 

Spidey was still panting when Deadpool pressed their lips together and battled for dominance, this time it was a jousting competition and Spidey definitely won that one because Deadpool did not know how to ride a horse. Spidey looked up at him with love in his orbs, the way he only ever looked at tacos and science. “I think I’m healed Deadpool, your magical train of love was so potent and your juice so healing that I no longer have a cold.” 

“Spidey,” Deadpool gasped, full of joy that he rarely felt because his life was fucked. (Seriously, have you seen Deadpool 1 and 2??? That shit was brutal). “That makes me so happy but maybe we should try again to make sure. After all, the science of magical dick healing sperm is still a work in progress, I’m sure many vaccines need multiple shots to be effective. This is probably the same thing, I obviously have a PHD in dicking.” 

“You’re so right, Deadpool but oh no, it seems the most amazing sex I’ve ever had has made me hungry do you have anymore bussy soup?” 

“I’m sorry Spidey, I didn’t manage to get any extra food before the quarantine. I guess we’ll just have to make do,” Deadpool strategically slid one shoulder of the maid outfit off, looking up at Spidey through his seductive lashes, fluttering them innocently. “Oh no, what’s this? Meat?” 

Spidey suddenly focused his piercing gaze on the shoulder, licking his lips as his spidery fangs dropped and venom started spilling out. Those fangs were pointed and ready to chow down. Deadpool knew what he was getting into when he decided to dick down Spidey, after all he was a spider and the females of the species would eat the male after mating. Spidey definitely had some spidery urges if his drooling was any indication. 

“Come, baby boy! Take me.” 

And Spidey did, filling his stomach. It was fine though, because Deadpool regenerated anything Spidey took and he never wanted his little spider to go hungry!

After a really bloody meal, they sat in bed in the afterglow. They looked at each other, Spidey content and almost glowing with happiness which was the look Deadpool always wanted for him. The moment was slightly hampered by the fact that Deadpool still regrowing his dick, but he was kind of still turned on from the #vore. 

“You know, we probably could have post-mated it,” Spidey said, just a bit sheepish. 

“Probably, but this is much more fun,” Deadpool winked. 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Making missing posters is so hard ;-; but I think if I put some up then we can find Spidey. I put some up so katanas-crossed Spidey will come back! Also you fuckers better have enjoyed this fic, without Spidey here to stop me I sure would love to sharpen my katanas on your ribs ;) 
> 
> My writing is getting even better, I can sense it...I'm like the new Van gogh of writing hehe. Are there any new deadman shippers out there? Drop me a line in the comments and I'll tell you just what kind of shenanigans we used to get into. Spidey still isn't answering my calls, if you've seen him let me know! (or maybe some tips and tricks on how to catch a spider? seriously at this point i'm desperate i swear if I find him i'm going to just tie him to the bed)
> 
> DP out.


End file.
